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Monthly Archives: January 2012

Despite living in London for nearly 4 years now, I still find quintessentially British stuff quite funny.

–What biscuits should I pick up from the shops, Diane?
–Oh, get those nice ones, Charles. I like those nice ones.

Someone once told me to avoid describing things as ‘nice’, because it’s an essentially empty adjective. And this is probably why.

They’re not great biscuits. Not luxury ones either. Just nice.

I bought the Rich Tea biscuits instead. Mostly because they contain nearly half the calories of the Nice ones, which probably means if they were renamed they’d be ‘OK biscuits’ or maybe ‘All Right biscuits’, but such is the power of branding. Rich Tea sounds much – ahem – nicer.

I suppose I’m not really one to be poking fun at other people’s dietary habits, though. A couple of hours later I popped out to the shop and purchased a packet of Pom Bears and a small tin of peas. Every single person I passed on the pavement gave me quite a stare.

Who would have thought carrying a tin of petit pois while shovelling one’s face full of reconstituted potato snack would be so attention-soliciting. Not me.

Sing on a stage in front of 700 people – about Jesus, in Spanish.

Yes, I have done this.

I don’t know why it popped into my head just now, as this happened about 10 years ago – but it occurred to me just how bizarre it is that it did happen. Seeing as though:

a) my friends find it difficult to get me to even do karaoke;

b) I’m an atheist; and

c) I don’t speak Spanish.

I know I shouldn’t be poking fun of new people at work, but when someone asks you to tell them a little about your hobbies and interests so as to compose an introductory email about you that will subsequently be sent out to the entire team, maybe you should come up with something a little more exciting than listening to music, watching movies, eating out and travelling.

I mean, even if you like all of these things (as people do), give me something a bit more interesting. Mitten collecting, working in pyjamas, writing pornographic Harry Potter fanfic, anything.

I like listening to music, watching movies, eating out and travelling as much as the next person, new colleague. But let’s just assume that – in fact – everyone likes listening to music, watching movies, eating out and travelling.

So next time, let’s be more specific.

For example, I describe myself as enjoying the following things:

  • grammar
  • swearing
  • medieval literature
  • feminism
  • ashtanga yoga
  • brutalist architecture
  • craft beer
  • fountain pens
  • cycling
  • electropop
  • whimsy
  • using semi-colons
  • not using semi-colons
  • coffee
  • coffee snobbery
  • teapots
  • G&Ts
  • G&Ts in teapots

I also like mitten collecting and working in my pyjamas, for the record.

Me: One of my colleagues is organising a go-karting event to raise money for charity and asked if I was coming. I told him probably not. I didn’t mention the last time I went go-karting I called someone a ‘fucking cunt’.

Husband: Yeah, I remember when you called an 8-year-old boy that.

Me: He wasn’t 8 years old!

Me: He was more like 12.

Kiehl’s musk oil is my favourite scent. I’ve worn it daily for pretty much 2 years now. It sits close to the skin in an alluring way – with notes of soap and flowers dancing sexily with something a little bit beastly. Like a husky mammal that’s just been bathed, its fur luxurious – you want to stroke it, bury your face in it.

The only thing I dislike about it is that, yes, it sits very close to the skin so only the very intimate even get a whiff. Also, it sometimes feels a bit linear: musk, floral, creamy tonka bean.

So – based on many, many reviews – I figured the famous niche perfumer Serge Lutens was the company to turn to, specifically its Muscs Koublai Khan at a whopping £98 a bottle, sold only out of the sole Serge Lutens boutique in Paris. Loads of people swooned on the internet, likening this fragrance to Kiehl’s musk – but better. Oh, so much better. I figured it would be a winner. It would be my beloved Kiehl’s musk exaggerated – the musk to end all musks – sophisticated on my skin. And for £98 a bottle, it damn well should be.

Granted, there are also people out there on the internet who have said it’s foul.

I bought a partial bottle off eBay and waited patiently. Finally, it arrived in the post. I opened the bottled tentatively. Took a sniff. Ooooooohh, I thought. I don’t smell any civet* in this. It smells lovely. All those Muscs Koublai Khan haters out there are definitely cray-cray.

Oh, how wrong I was.

It literally smelled like shit. Once applied, from beginning to end – top, middle and base notes – it was barnyard dung. I tried to convince myself otherwise. I think I detect some delightful rose, delicate and welcoming. But there was always the poop. The civet was so overwhelming that it shat all over the other notes that are supposedly in this perfume – once on my skin.

Even if the ass end of a civet were just sitting there quietly in the background**, no one wants to smell like poop.

No one.

Muscs Koublai Khan – underneath the essence of cat bottom – might remind you of an unwashed, sweaty man’s armpit. No one wants to smell like that either, in case you were wondering.

____________________________________________________________

*Civet: an animal that produces an odorous secretion for the purpose of marking its territory. A fragrance commonly used in perfume.

**Which is wasn’t. It was loud and clear and totally in my face.

From: larissa.gillotti@awesomebank.com
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:30
Subject: RE: boats

Oof. Stomach ache. Haven’t had one of these in a while. I wonder what did that.

From: husband@poshinvestmentbank.co.uk
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:33
Subject: RE: boats

What have you had?

From: larissa.gillotti@awesomebank.com
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:36
Subject: RE: boats

Actually, it just occurred to me. That stir fry last night. I put soy sauce in it. I guess that answers any lingering questions I might have had about whether I was still intolerant to soy.

From: husband@poshinvestmentbank.co.uk
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:37
Subject: RE: boats

That was almost 24 hours ago.

From: larissa.gillotti@awesomebank.com
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:38
Subject: RE: boats

Delayed reaction to soy intolerance/allergy is very common.

Delayed allergic responses to soy are less dramatic, but are even more common. These are caused by antibodies known as immunoglobulins A, G or M (IgA, IgG or IgM) and occur anywhere from two hours to days after the food is eaten. These have been linked to sleep disturbances, bedwetting, sinus and ear infections, crankiness, joint pain, chronic fatigue, gastrointestinal woes and other mysterious symptoms.

From: husband@poshinvestmentbank.co.uk
 Sent: 04 January 2012 14:47
 Subject: RE: boats

You blamed that bedwetting on starplop [our pet rat].

From: larissa.gillotti@awesomebank.com
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:48
Subject: RE: boats

I’ve been discovered.

Abort! Abort!

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