- If you stand to the left on the escalator underground, I will tut and sigh at you until you move.
- If you stand to the right on the escalator underground but have your person ever so slightly to the left, I will purposefully knock into you as I pass.
- If you have your bag on one of the remaining empty seats in a crowded train, I will stand in front of that seat and stare at you until you move it.
- If you monopolise the handrail in a busy carriage by leaning against it, I will shove my hand onto this handrail in the exact location of your lower back. And then jab you with my knuckles.
- If you insist on carrying your handbag on your arm instead of lowering it nearer to the floor on a crowded train and I’m the unlucky person who has to stand next to you, I will take every opportunity to bump into your bag with unnecessary force whenever the train moves.
- And if you say something inappropriately rude to me, I will give you the finger.
But I will always give my seat up to a woman who is quite obviously in her third trimester and standing up in a crowded Tube carriage, even though I chose specifically not to sit in one of the ‘priority seats’ when I got on the Tube for this reason.
And I will always stand with my heavy load of bags and death-glare the two able-bodied men sitting contentedly in their seats of great priorty.
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And on a completely unrelated but completely delicious note – Cinco de Mayo. Arriba.