Don’t torment your children when they’re young

Dad: Oh, let me take your picture together. One, two, three *click*.

Danica: That one wasn’t very good, Dad. Let’s take it again.

Dad: Oh, okay. Ready, One, two, three *click*.


Love and marriage

Me: The way I see it, our shower has two temperatures: ‘hotter than the face of the sun’ and ‘absolute zero’.

Him: Funny, I don’t have a problem with it.

Me: Good for you. You’ll have to show me some time…

Him: I’ve told you I’d show you any time.

Me: OK, so we’ll take a shower together and—

Him: Together? No way.

Disclaimer: Background information has been omitted because it’s funnier that way.

I am the sweary one

Sent: 08 March 2012 14:41
Subject: RE:

Did you send me an email with swear words in it? I got an automated email saying a message was blocked.

Sent: 09 March 2012 14:46
Subject: RE:

No, I tend not to use swearwords, obfuscated or otherwise, in emails.

Replacing letters for numbers is one of the easiest things that a heuristic content algorithm can do, so perhaps it was you.

Sent: 09 March 2012 14:47
Subject: RE:



I like parties…

I was only sending a considerate text message en route on the DLR.

Me: I have a massage after work. Save me some salami for later.

Me: And by that I mean actual salami.

Him: Party. I’m drinking some of your 7Up.


Him: Yes.


Apparently he wasn’t having a party. ‘Okay’ autocorrected to ‘party’. Part of me knew that while we were having this conversation. I just like righteous anger. And salami.

Why I don’t go go-karting anymore

Me: One of my colleagues is organising a go-karting event to raise money for charity and asked if I was coming. I told him probably not. I didn’t mention the last time I went go-karting I called someone a ‘fucking cunt’.

Husband: Yeah, I remember when you called an 8-year-old boy that.

Me: He wasn’t 8 years old!

Me: He was more like 12.

Not really about boats

Sent: 04 January 2012 14:30
Subject: RE: boats

Oof. Stomach ache. Haven’t had one of these in a while. I wonder what did that.

Sent: 04 January 2012 14:33
Subject: RE: boats

What have you had?

Sent: 04 January 2012 14:36
Subject: RE: boats

Actually, it just occurred to me. That stir fry last night. I put soy sauce in it. I guess that answers any lingering questions I might have had about whether I was still intolerant to soy.

Sent: 04 January 2012 14:37
Subject: RE: boats

That was almost 24 hours ago.

Sent: 04 January 2012 14:38
Subject: RE: boats

Delayed reaction to soy intolerance/allergy is very common.

Delayed allergic responses to soy are less dramatic, but are even more common. These are caused by antibodies known as immunoglobulins A, G or M (IgA, IgG or IgM) and occur anywhere from two hours to days after the food is eaten. These have been linked to sleep disturbances, bedwetting, sinus and ear infections, crankiness, joint pain, chronic fatigue, gastrointestinal woes and other mysterious symptoms.

 Sent: 04 January 2012 14:47
 Subject: RE: boats

You blamed that bedwetting on starplop [our pet rat].

Sent: 04 January 2012 14:48
Subject: RE: boats

I’ve been discovered.

Abort! Abort!