This is what happens when you weekend in Essex

Me: *gasp*

Husband: No.

Me: Look at it.

Husband: No.

Me: We could put it in our sitting room all year round! We have room!

Huband: No.

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Conversations that took place today:

Me: There’s a yacht moored up on the Thames today.

Him: What kind of yacht?

Me: A millionaire’s yacht

Him: All yachts are millionaires’ yachts

Me: A party yacht, you know, with that party area at the back. For millionaires who like to party all the time.

Him: . . .

Me: Party all the time. Party all the tiiime.

_________________________________________________

Him: [buttering some bread]

Me: Do you want some red wine? I want to open a bottle.

Him: What, with my bread?

Me: IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

It changes you…

Me: [type type type type click] AAAARRRGGHHH!

Him: What’s making you angry now?

Me: Apple and its terrible user journey

Him: Did you just use the term ‘user journey’?

Me: I WORK IN WEB!

Him: …I know.

Sometimes I say inappropriate shit.

While laying face down and being rubbed by my osteopath

Osteo: Where do you live?

Me: Wandsworth.

Osteo: Oh yeah, me too.

Me: Specifically Wandsworth Town.

Osteo: Me too. Just off Old York Road.

Me: I live just around the corner from Old York Road.

Osteo: Wow, how coincidental.

moments later…

Osteo: But you’re moving to London Bridge, right?

Me: Yeah.

Osteo: I was just around there the other day at the spa.

Me: Oh yeah, which one?

Osteo: The Circle Spa in Shad Thames.

Me: Yeah, I was just in there the other day.

Osteo: Really? Weird!

Me: Actually, no – I’m stalking you.

Osteo: . . .