Written hurriedly, in furious anger:

This isn’t so much a query as a reaction to the service provided on this order. I love Boots stores. I really do. I shop at Boots all the time. But when I saw that a certain product was significantly cheaper online than it was in the store, I decided to bite the bullet and make my first boots.com purchase.

I was excited.

I wasn’t so excited after I learned that my purchase was being delivered with DHL. You see, Boots, the service DHL provides is shit. Certifiably, undeniably shit. The shittiest of shit.

Unsurprisingly, DHL tried to deliver my package at the completely unreasonable hour of noon on a Friday. No one is home at noon on a Friday. No one, Boots. No one.

Nevertheless, I received a text from you saying that DHL tried to deliver my package at noon on a Friday and I wasn’t home (again, unsurprising) but that I could call what appeared to be a mobile phone number and quote my reference to arrange for redelivery. Good news!

But when I called this number, a very gruff-sounding man answered the phone with a curt ‘Hullo.’ Undeterred, I explained the situation. ‘Yeah, I tried to deliver but you weren’t home.’ Well spotted, delivery man. Well spotted.

Needless to say, Boots, this phone call was fruitless. I learned that he would redeliver my package on Monday between – guess what time, Boots. Go on, guess – 10am and 2pm.

I won’t get my purchase until I pick it up from a depot that is 15 miles away from my flat in London on Tuesday. I don’t have a car.

Thanks for that.