Why I don’t go go-karting anymore

Me: One of my colleagues is organising a go-karting event to raise money for charity and asked if I was coming. I told him probably not. I didn’t mention the last time I went go-karting I called someone a ‘fucking cunt’.

Husband: Yeah, I remember when you called an 8-year-old boy that.

Me: He wasn’t 8 years old!

Me: He was more like 12.

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Not really about boats

From: larissa.gillotti@awesomebank.com
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:30
Subject: RE: boats

Oof. Stomach ache. Haven’t had one of these in a while. I wonder what did that.

From: husband@poshinvestmentbank.co.uk
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:33
Subject: RE: boats

What have you had?

From: larissa.gillotti@awesomebank.com
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:36
Subject: RE: boats

Actually, it just occurred to me. That stir fry last night. I put soy sauce in it. I guess that answers any lingering questions I might have had about whether I was still intolerant to soy.

From: husband@poshinvestmentbank.co.uk
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:37
Subject: RE: boats

That was almost 24 hours ago.

From: larissa.gillotti@awesomebank.com
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:38
Subject: RE: boats

Delayed reaction to soy intolerance/allergy is very common.

Delayed allergic responses to soy are less dramatic, but are even more common. These are caused by antibodies known as immunoglobulins A, G or M (IgA, IgG or IgM) and occur anywhere from two hours to days after the food is eaten. These have been linked to sleep disturbances, bedwetting, sinus and ear infections, crankiness, joint pain, chronic fatigue, gastrointestinal woes and other mysterious symptoms.

From: husband@poshinvestmentbank.co.uk
 Sent: 04 January 2012 14:47
 Subject: RE: boats

You blamed that bedwetting on starplop [our pet rat].

From: larissa.gillotti@awesomebank.com
Sent: 04 January 2012 14:48
Subject: RE: boats

I’ve been discovered.

Abort! Abort!

Conversations that took place today:

Me: There’s a yacht moored up on the Thames today.

Him: What kind of yacht?

Me: A millionaire’s yacht

Him: All yachts are millionaires’ yachts

Me: A party yacht, you know, with that party area at the back. For millionaires who like to party all the time.

Him: . . .

Me: Party all the time. Party all the tiiime.

_________________________________________________

Him: [buttering some bread]

Me: Do you want some red wine? I want to open a bottle.

Him: What, with my bread?

Me: IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

Sometimes I say inappropriate shit.

While laying face down and being rubbed by my osteopath

Osteo: Where do you live?

Me: Wandsworth.

Osteo: Oh yeah, me too.

Me: Specifically Wandsworth Town.

Osteo: Me too. Just off Old York Road.

Me: I live just around the corner from Old York Road.

Osteo: Wow, how coincidental.

moments later…

Osteo: But you’re moving to London Bridge, right?

Me: Yeah.

Osteo: I was just around there the other day at the spa.

Me: Oh yeah, which one?

Osteo: The Circle Spa in Shad Thames.

Me: Yeah, I was just in there the other day.

Osteo: Really? Weird!

Me: Actually, no – I’m stalking you.

Osteo: . . .