Colleagues who ‘borrow’ my milk out of the refrigerator are slowly turning me into a misanthrope.
A misanthrope probably wouldn’t hesitate to buy a fresh bottle of milk for the sole purpose of lacing it with dissolved laxatives and placing it in the work refrigerator.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Sent: 08 March 2012 14:41 Subject: RE:
Did you send me an email with swear words in it? I got an automated email saying a message was blocked.
From: email@example.com Sent: 09 March 2012 14:46 Subject: RE:
No, I tend not to use swearwords, obfuscated or otherwise, in emails.
Replacing letters for numbers is one of the easiest things that a heuristic content algorithm can do, so perhaps it was you.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Sent: 09 March 2012 14:47 Subject: RE:
I know I shouldn’t be poking fun of new people at work, but when someone asks you to tell them a little about your hobbies and interests so as to compose an introductory email about you that will subsequently be sent out to the entire team, maybe you should come up with something a little more exciting than listening to music, watching movies, eating out and travelling.
I mean, even if you like all of these things (as people do), give me something a bit more interesting. Mitten collecting, working in pyjamas, writing pornographic Harry Potter fanfic, anything.
I like listening to music, watching movies, eating out and travelling as much as the next person, new colleague. But let’s just assume that – in fact – everyone likes listening to music, watching movies, eating out and travelling.
So next time, let’s be more specific.
For example, I describe myself as enjoying the following things:
- medieval literature
- ashtanga yoga
- brutalist architecture
- craft beer
- fountain pens
- using semi-colons
- not using semi-colons
- coffee snobbery
- G&Ts in teapots
I also like mitten collecting and working in my pyjamas, for the record.
It’s my last day in the office in 2011. I’m sitting here listening to Madonna’s Greatest Hits over my headphones as loud as possible in an attempt to block out Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You – which is currently being projected over someone’s computer speakers (because, well, who could possibly object to that…).
So I’m sitting here, feet up on the desk, rocking out to Madge, reviewing some last-minute changes to the website begrudgingly (someone didn’t get the memo that you’re not actually supposed to work the last day in the office before Christmas), and reflecting on the highs and lows of the working year.
Things I learned in 2011:
- Most people are assholes.
- People who aren’t assholes are pretty fucking awesome.
- My teetotalling colleagues love drunk Larissa.
- Drunk Larissa loves even the assholes.
And with that, desk-maneki-neko and I say goodbye to 2011 and beckon 2012. Here’s to learning to love the assholes a little more – while sober – in the year to come. And to getting. shit. done.
[Marching up and interrupting a conversation my office nemesis* started with my boss’s colleague about an issue that falls entirely under my remit (and most certainly not under the remit of my boss’s colleague)]
“I’m sorry, but why am I not part of this conversation?”
[Talking about an en dash I inserted]
“There isn’t supposed to be a hyphen.”
“For consistency’s sake, an en dash was necessary, so I inserted it.”
“But it’s not being used in any of the other marketing materials.”
“I’ll need to see some of these marketing materials.”
“This has been passed down from above. You can trust it.”
“No, I can’t.”
“No, really, the name of the product doesn’t have a dash anywhere else.”
“Show me some marketing materials without the en dash… And I’ll happily consider your request.”
Post-5pm, after I came in at 8:30am and worked through much of my lunch break, after my ability to employ capitalisation and punctuation conventions had already been questioned earlier by someone who most certainly had no business questioning it**, and after scrambling to do my best to manage all ongoing changes to the website while simultaneously briefing a contract sub-editor and trying vainly to organise someone else’s unwieldy project in preparation for this contract sub-editor to start work in addition to trying to fit in obligatory content reviews for an upcoming audit –
I just don’t have a lot of time for your bullshit.
*I used to think this person just was difficult to work with. But I’ve come to realise it’s just that this person is an awful human being. My mild professional dislike has escalated somewhat.
**as evidenced by her prefacing her statement with “I’m not a master of grammar or punctuation, but…”